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On a Lighter Note |
October-November 2008 |
Banswork: a New Integrated Library Application
Suite
LIBRARY
AUTOMATON SYSTEMS INTERNATIONAL---LASI Marion Librarian January 17, 1998 Dear Ms. Librarian, In this age of
automation, librarians have become accustomed to a certain level of freedom
from the details of library work. You may remember the days when cards were
typed, labels etched, and union catalogs painstakingly hand-searched. I'm
sure you'll agree that the more library staff can get away from these menial
tasks, the easier their jobs are, and more professional they seem to others.
A librarian sitting at a computer looks more professional than one sitting at
a typewriter any day, and will probably be able to negotiate better salaries.
However, there are
certain tasks that simply have not been automated. This leaves your library
staff in a painful position: while they sit at a computer, they seem the
paragon of professionalism and high-tech polish. But when they get up to
fulfill other library-related duties, they seem to regress into the
pre-automation age. And the city council members always seem to drop by just
when staff are sweaty from shelving, or ink-stained from stamping books,
making it seem that your staff is solely engaged in clerical tasks. This
doesn't bode well for staff raises! But never fear! We at
Library Automation Systems International (LASI), producers of the renowned
Gargoyle™ and Gargette™ public and school
integrated library automation systems, have come up with Banswork™
an astonishing suite of automated library task systems, designed to do away
with the menial details of library work. Your staff need never fear being
labeled a 'clerical worker' again! Just take a look at the exciting
application modules we offer:
·
StampA™ was requested by many of our public and school
librarians. We were able to miniaturize ShelveA
technology and produce StampA, a small robotic arm
that installs conveniently at your existing circulation desk. StampA takes the guesswork and ink stains out of stamping
due dates! Simply position the book card or date flag on the Stamping Base
between the handy red laser indicator marks. StampA
takes it from there, producing a correctly-positioned, clean due date stamp
every time. The complete StampA module, including
all machinery, special date software, one year supply of ink, and our
patented SquirtShield, is $4500. Optional extra ink
cartridges include blue, red, and NEW secret ultraviolet (black light not
included) for $500 each. NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR INJURIES SUFFERED BY USERS
INSERTING FINGERS BETWEEN HANDY RED LASER INDICATOR MARKS. ·
Meet It!™ is an innovative response to the problem of time-wasting
staff meetings. Meet It! provides a full-room setup that allows staff members
to meet by proxy, without leaving their program areas. Each staff member is
assigned a Meet It! 'dummy' in the conference room, which will record other
dummies' spoken reports and give the staff member's comments in any one of
six pleasant artificial voices (Jay Leno, Kim Basinger,
and Al Pacino are just some of the popular
choices). Staff members can then join in the conversation using special Meet
It! conference interface consoles right on their desks, to review recorded
comments and to add their own. Best of all, there is no need to take
minutes--our patented MinuteTaker™ software
produces a written copy of the entire meeting within only three days of the
date of meeting! Price for the Meet It! module varies from $6,000 to
$1,000,000 with the options you select, including fashion clothing for
dummies, voice choices, attractive designer conference interface consoles to
match office decor, and installation options (number of dummies, special
leather chair for director dummy, etc.). Please call for a personalized
estimate. ·
Hoppin' Java™ is a state-of-the-art, completely automated,
solid-state coffee management system. Never again are you doomed to spend
part of your morning messing with filters, spilling grounds, or staining your
clothes with splashes of coffee. What do those tasks have to do with the
proud profession of librarianship? Hoppin' Java
works with your existing ventilation system to deliver cupfuls of piping hot
coffee directly to program areas. Every night, your Hoppin'
Java computer interfaces with our central computer system in Haregrass, West Virginia, via modem to update changes and
prepare for the day. Brewing is completed by the time you arrive for work,
and all you need to do is press the attractive brass (gold option is $900
extra) delivery button to activate the handy bendable CoffeePipe
delivery system positioned directly over your desk. Module cost is $15,000
per ten employees, with options for larger site licenses as your library
grows. Installation cost of $6,500 includes intensive profiling to determine
individualized cream, sugar, temperature, and mug size preferences for your
entire staff. Cappucino module is currently in
development and expected to go into beta testing in early 1999. ·
By popular request, we have refined our phone management software
module, Hello™ into a comprehensive
phone service system, HelloPlus™ . HelloPlus will answer all your phones in your choice of
voices, bringing information to patrons who call with various kinds of
questions. You might never have to talk to a patron again! You may simply
code in your library's staff directory, hours and vacation days, or you may
wish to purchase the optional RefQuest™ software,
which reads the answers to many popular reference questions to your listening
patrons. Currently available is the "Word Games" disk, containing
such perennial favorites as "Words that end in -GRY" and
"Words with double U's in them". We are cooperating with the
American Association of School Librarians for a projected "School
Daze" disk, containing bibliographies of horse, dinosaur, cowboy, cat,
dog, and Titanic books for children. Basic HelloPlus
module is competitively priced at $11,450; reference disks and customized
voice patterns start at $3,204 each. Optional CutOff™
software handles calls from disreputable reference materials salespeople
efficiently and curtly for only $7,500. We at LASI know the
daily frustrations that confront public librarians, and we are committed to
high-tech, fully automated solutions that free your library staff from
drudgery and allow them to reach their full potential. If you care about the
professionalism of your staff, call us now at 1-888-234-LASI to order any of
the Banswork™ integrated modules. Sincerely yours, David Branthwaite, B.A. P.S. Customers who call
NOW will get a special gift: 50% off our Year 2000 Adjustment Product Support
Visit, mandatory for all Banswork™ sites, currently projected at $4,500 plus
traveling expenses. Courtesy of Jennifer Freeman. © Jennifer Friedman,
12/5/97. See http://www.gflower.org/Bans.htm.
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